Becca's Dream

Back then there was no Ronald McDonald house. Parents of children in the IUC and step down units slept where ever they could. You were very fortunate if you managed to snag a couch. Two chairs with a table in between was not that bad either. Often you had one chair with your legs stretched out before you and your back slouched so your head had something to rest on. I was also familiar with the floor. The nurses did the best they could by us finding pillows and blankets.

May I say thank you to Mc Donalds for the house they put in Chicago and to people like Micheal Jordon who sponsored rooms in that house.  It was a great comfort on our later returns for shunt revisions to have an actual bed, room and bathroom.

Odd things often happened.  I remember waking up one morning and sitting up to make room for other people on the couch. The man in the chair next to me popped up and started asking me questions. Who was I there for?  How long had I been there?  Why were we there?  Where did we live?  Then he looked me in the eye and said “Oh, so you are the reason God did not let it snow this year.” and just as suddenly as he popped up he slid back down in the chair and was asleep again.  Now having to drive when you are three weeks postpartum is no easy feat. I remember while driving  Becca to the hospital that first day it had started to snow and I had cried out to God “I can barely drive! No way I can do it in snow!”  It had stopped but, I had not thought about it again until that morning. Funnier thing was when I brought Becca home a few weeks later no sooner did we get into the house than it snowed and snowed hard. I had three phone calls in fifteen minutes with people yelling at me for not letting them know Becca was coming home. When I inquired how they knew she was home they all said “because it is snowing.”

I learned that if I wanted to spend the most time with Becca when she was in ICU then I needed to be quiet, stay out of sight, and keep my  nose glued to Becca’s crib only. I would pull the rocker beside her crib with my back to the unit and the nurses would forget I was there. It helped that her spot was often in the respiratory isolation area where the doors helped to obscure me as well. It was common to see or hear other nosey family members being thrown out of the ICU. People who were ignoring their own infant and going about looking at or inquiring about other patients.  Some of them never learned.

I remember how appalled the head nurse was the day she realized I had not been cleared out during an emergency.  They throw parents out to protect the parents as much as to not have distractions or patient privacy issues.  She was so concerned I would be traumatised and more afraid for my own baby’s safety having heard what went on during the resuscitation of the other little guy.  I had softly sung to Becca the whole time to block out the noise for her and myself.  I was so grateful to have been there to comfort my daughter through that trying time that I hadn’t even thought to become scared for her life.

Only one thing that happened brought me close to passing out.  One day in the step down unit  the nurse was finishing putting in the new IV and setting up the IVAC unit when Becca’s blood started backing up the tubing. To watch her blood backing up six foot of tubing almost did me in. I kept thinking she’s so small she can’t have much more blood than that.  I can remember Marj screaming at me. It ’s OK I can fix it.  Sit down there is chair behind you.  Don’t you dare drop my baby!  Breathe, mom you’ve got to breathe!  If you drop that baby I’ll never let you hold her again.  Well, I managed to stay with Marj and she had the problem rectified in short order. So there I sat watching the blood flow back into my daughter while Marj watched the IV and me; to make sure my blood flowed back into my face and head.

Marj was Becca’s day nurse so we had lots of history together.  A spunky person, she barely came above my elbow. She was my source for hospital information and one day was my protector as well.  I am totally for providing the absolute best quality of life that can be provided to every person.  Hospital personnel kept coming up to me and telling me to put Becca in a home. Telling me I had other children at home, go back to them, Becca would only last a few weeks at most in a home.  Yes, I knew about failure to thrive, I knew what abandonment and lack of personal contact would mean for Becca. It would mean death. Becca thrived on personal contact.  To take it away would be as cruel as removing food and water and waiting for her to die. That day two doctors and an administrative person had already confronted me with their viewpoint. I came into Becca’s cubby hole spitting nails and told Marj I was sick of it. I had already told the last administrator to tell everyone not to bring the subject up to me again or I would not be responsible for what happened. I had barely managed to calm myself and was holding Becca in my arms when a sickly sweet faced person came in and said Mrs Tally we need to talk and began the speal. I knew where she was going so did Marj.  Marj latched onto my right elbow as I shifted Becca into my left arm and started to swing. There we stood Marj dangling from my elbow talking as fast and loud as she could, informing the sickly sweet faced lady that there was an important message at the desk that she needed to attend to before she spoke with me, and me still trying to take a swing at the offending personage. Fortunately the woman became smart and left the room. Miraculously when she returned she had forgotten what we needed to talk about and left never to come back or any of the others of her ilk. But boy oh boy did I get reamed out by Marj for even considering starting a fight with Becca in my arms. I had been so infuriated by them telling me to throw my child aside and let her die that I had not even considered her need for safety at that moment only the urge to defend her.

Marj  was also there the day they had to restrain Becca.

Becca’s little room overlooked the entrance to the parking garage and the hospital.  One day a man carrying a baby caught my attention. I watched as he slowly made his way to the hospital. He was hesitant and continually looking around. Constantly lifting the edge of the blanket that covered the babies face.  That night I found out he had brought the baby there to abandon it at the maternity ward door.

That was not my only contact with the hospital maternity unit. Becca was to weak to nurse and could not tolerate any formulas even the fifty dollar a can varieties.  So I was bound to the hospital unless I could pump enough milk ahead for her until I could return.  Beth at home found it was much easier to feed from a bottle and would not nurse for me either. The result was massive infections. I remember Marge unlocking the door to maternity one night and dragging me over. She approached the nurses over there and said you have got to do something to help my mom. Bless them help me they did.  But it was not enough.

I had a tooth abscess at the same time. Made an appointment with an oral surgeon and went in to have it pulled.  He came in the office took one look at me and went for a thermometer. Then he checked my chart said your Dr is just down the street leave and go directly there or better still check into an ER.  My temp was a hundred and five!  He said he couldn’t believe I was not hallucinating and he did not want to see me till I was better.  Needless to say I did not make it back to Becca for several days. Bless her that was when they found she could not handle any formula whatsoever.  At least, though quite by accident, that was when I found the answer to my nursing woes and was able to get well enough to fix the tooth, feed my babies and stay well from then on.